Just before I left Israel, a bit further down in the posts, I had written a long blog, and was really angry that it didn't post. I'm getting over my anger, and I really feel that I need to say what was there, especially because I haven't found any other way to express it and be heard by the people who really count. And I know a couple of you are reading this :o)
I don't miss things like I think most people do. I have moved a jillion times in my life but I don't know what it feels like to be homesick. I meet wonderful people all over the place and bond and connect and when I leave or they leave, I don't feel like they're gone. I don't feel a big empty hole. I used to think this was a bad thing. I thought it meant that I didn't really love them or that I'm somehow emotionally deficient. When we were little, my best friend used to sleep over at my house sometimes, she used to cry for her parents. I always thought that was stupid. She would beg to spend the night, and then usually at some point, my parents would have to take her home or one of her parents would come and pick her up. I, on the othr hand, would happily stay for a night, or 2 or a week even, if my parents were away. I don't ever remember missing home.
When I meet someone I love, I don't see our meeting as a moment in time. I always like talking to people about where they were when... this or that happened. In my mind, our lives connect back in those spaces, and forward into the future, and it's not like a single point where I was with someone or in a certain place, but more like our lives were together and our paths crossed here, and they continue side by side with our paths crossing here and there along the way... or not.
So I guess I do miss people. Right now when I see a cool street sign, I miss Violetta, but not in a sad way. In a way that without her, I wouldn't have noticed the sign, and looking at it now, having met her and spent time with her and loving her, the crazy street sign connects my life to hers again. (as does everything artsy, borrowed french words, good movies, johnny bread, and pretty much everything else!)
When I'm driving along and see a hot guy (or even a not-so-hot guy)in a nearby car, I miss Aida. In a way that makes me smile and remember the many times we drove that long drive and everyhting that we shared along with it.
I was crocheting the other day and started laughing hysterically. Of course I couldn't explain to my mom what Mara would have said to me at that point... so I let her think I was crazy - no big deal.
The thing is, I feel like I am so fortunate to have so many fond memories of so many people, and it's like my quest to keep all these memories alive by connecting the things I do and see wherever I am to the people I love wherever they are. My major problem I guess is that because all this goes on in my head, I don't really express it well. I'm awful at keeping in touch. I read someone's e-mail and I'm so happy, and I think about it for days, and read it over and over and for some reason, months go by and there's no answer. That's so selfish of me. I wish I was different in that way.
Just because I'm not writing all the time doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you all the time....